Most people think the first step in writing a memoir is writing.
I don’t.
I think it begins with paying attention.
For years, I thought my job was to help people become better life story writers. I’ve come to realize that’s only part of what I do. What I really help people become is better observers of their own lives.
That may sound like a small distinction, but it changes everything.
The Questions Everyone Asks First (That Shouldn’t Come First)
When people decide to write their life story, they usually begin with the same set of questions:
Where do I start? How do I organize my memories? Am I a good enough writer? Will anyone care about my stories?
These are understandable questions. I’ve heard them from nearly every student and client I’ve worked with. But if you’re wondering about the first step in writing a memoir, these aren’t it — and starting there is often why so many memoir projects stall before they truly begin.
Because the first step in writing a memoir isn’t writing at all.
It’s paying attention.
The First Step in Writing a Memoir: Becoming an Observer of Your Own Life
The first step in writing a memoir is becoming an honest and curious observer of your own life. That means:
Noticing the memories that refuse to leave you. Wondering why one conversation still echoes years later. Getting curious about the experience you keep returning to, even when you can’t say why.
And then asking yourself deeper questions: What was really happening there? Who was I becoming? What did that experience have to teach me?
This is a fundamentally different starting point than “How do I organize my memories?” You’re not managing your past — you’re listening to it.
Why Curiosity Produces Better Stories Than Perfectionism
Here’s what I’ve seen happen again and again: when you make paying attention the first step in writing a memoir — approaching your life with curiosity instead of chasing the “perfect” story — something remarkable happens.
Your stories become more authentic. More meaningful. More emotionally rich.
And here’s the irony — they also become the stories other people most want to read. Readers don’t connect with polish. They connect with truth, with the sense that the writer genuinely wrestled with their own experience and came away changed.
The First Step in Memoir Writing? Write for Yourself First
One of the things I tell my students is the most important first step in writing a memoir: write for yourself first.
Don’t worry about publication. Don’t worry about whether your children will approve. Don’t even worry about whether you’ll ever share what you’ve written.
Because somewhere in the process of exploring your memories, you’ll begin to notice patterns you never saw before. You’ll discover strengths you forgot you had. You’ll find wisdom hidden inside experiences that once felt ordinary — or even painful.
Little by little, you’ll begin to understand your own life in a new way.
The Real Gift of Life Story Writing
This is why the first step in writing a memoir matters so much — and why I believe the greatest gift of life story writing isn’t the book you leave behind.
It’s the person you become while writing it.
The book is simply the evidence of a journey that has already changed you.
A Question to Sit With
So let me leave you with a question.
Is there a memory that has stayed with you for years — one you’ve never fully understood why you keep returning to?
Perhaps it isn’t asking to be remembered.
Perhaps it’s asking to be understood.
